the last song

The Last Song. Well, I know I lost several...well several hundred brain cells in college, but I'm pretty sure I read the title as The Last Song, not The Shitty Song. This movie was at times painful to watch. I mean, I didn't expect to see an Oscar worthy performance by Miley Cyrus or anything, but I also didn't expect to laugh when someone was in a near death experience. The first step to making this movie better is to call a dentist to fix Miley's jagged tooth. Drove me fucking crazy. After that the real work begins. Within a 10 minute span Miley's character went from wearing all black and earrings and hating a chiseled volleyball player to wearing a flowered skirt and telling him she loved him. I know I'm not so lucky in love, but something about this seems a tad off. If this was true Sammy would be in love with...well every single man in Milwaukee. Starting with the boy on Murphy's pool table. Also during this 10 minute span Miley's character went from telling her very attractive father that she hated him to giggling and chasing him around a piano. Standard I guess... As in every Nicholas Sparks novel, there needs to be some heartache, not only between lovers but also family. Well this lovers quarrel may as well have been about who stole the cookie from the cookie jar because thats how serious and believable it was. Although her family problems very actually real, the acting was so bad the only reaction was laughter or a head shake. If Miley and Liam's real life romance is any indication of their onscreen chemistry, then I really gotta stop hatin' on the single life. Now, I'm a big fan of Hannah Montana. Got the CDs. Got the movie. Seen most of the episodes. But Miley...PLEASE STOP ACTING. I'm not gonna lie, girl can sing. But her acting skills consisted of looking like she was hit over the head with a sledgehammer and giggling in the mud with a babe. Now to me, acting is kind of like selling something. You need to sell the character you are playing. This is why I cry in all movies. I feel for the characters. I am sad they are put in these positions and wanna be there for them. This being said, Miley couldn't sell fried chicken at 28th and Wisconsin. Absolutely brutal. I admit the movie did step it up in the second hour, but the work was already done. There was a big fat sign across the screen screaming DO NOT RESUSCITATE.  I had no intention of that. Of course I shed a tear or two, but thats only because the best actor of the mostly-well known cast was a no name 10 year old boy. The only saving grace. Since this movie was a failure at any attempt at believable love, I give a shout out to my favorite loyal follower Pat. There is still hope. Congratulations on your engagement! Good thing Wendy is no Miley...but I bet you look better than Liam Hemsworth without your shirt on sexy.

The only good 10 seconds of the movie.

alice in wonderland

Well if you are a follower of this blog, you've gotta know how excited I was to see this. I live for Johnny and Tim collaborations. Now, I saw this movie a few weeks ago, but my blog was virally attacked during that time so I'm going to reflect as best I can. My first reaction was about illegal substances. Mind altering substances. I've never been one to dabble in drogas, but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a cocktail or 12 after a long week of doing nothing. I would never say drugs are good habit, but honestly if I was a drug addict this movie would have been AWESOME. Since this is a somewhat family-friendly blog I will refrain from using a name, but I actually just received a comment from an anonymous young lady right next to me saying, "I was on drugs during that movie. And it was awesome." Yet, I'm a substance free woman, and so this critique will also be. Visually this movie was really sweet. Its a real treat for the eyes. Although there is an older cartoon version of this movie and obviously a book, I really didn't remember the plot very well. Helena Bonham Carter plays the Queen of Hearts so perfectly. She is really funny actually. No matter what the crime is, its always "off with their heads!" Oh man, if it was only that easy. There would have been a few dozen decapitated people walking around Marquette University thats for sure. The Cheshire Cat was trippy as hell. And so was Alan Rickman as the Blue Caterpillar for that matter. Although I really enjoyed this movie, it was definitely not my favorite Tim Burton movie. That could have something to do with Bridget and Gina making me sit close enough to lick the screen. I need back row center. Such amateurs. I really did like this movie though. I loved hearing the story again, of course in Tim's creepy dark way. If a place is called Wonderland, it really did not resemble a place I would consider Wonderland. Then again, my Wonderland looks like a little place I like to call Gene and Judes. Best hot dogs in Chicago. I found myself feeling really bad for The Mad Hatter. Of course I even teared up at one point. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world that teared up, but thats those crazy feminine emotions during movies. I'd definitely recommend everyone to see this, even if only for 3D experience or The Queen of Hearts little jokes. After I saw Alice I had a dream that night. Most girls who dream about Johnny Depp probably picture themselves laying in bed with him, but not this girl. I had a dream I met Johnny and went out for coffee discussing his movies with him. Of course he loved me and we became great friends. Then I woke up. Woke up alone, unemployed, overweight, and poor. Then I realized. Tim's Wonderland isn't looking too bad after all.

Do you think I look more like Tweedle dee or Tweedle dum?

remember me

Remember you? How could I forget? I saw Remember Me approximately 3 days ago and it still has not left my mind. Good thing I've been on a New Moon kick because the trailer plays every time I turn it on! Now its not often a movie makes me sit behind the wheel on a Sunday afternoon sobbing while rushing through traffic, but this one really did it to me. Crying in movies is probably one of my favorite pastimes, but this was double time. My heart, yes guys I have one, was literally ripped out, pounded with a hammer, and left on the movie theatre floor. I felt physical pain after it was over. But there was one other feeling. Rob Pattinson looks like a walking god in this movie, one thats been beaten up a bit of course. Which leads me to ask the question: Why is it that guys with bruises, cuts, and blood all over their faces look even hotter when girls just resemble drunken train wrecks? Maybe getting hit by that car made me sexier? Probably not. Well this movie has also been beaten up. Not by cute bar rats, but instead by critics. I'm gonna have to completely disagree with them. Movies like The Hurt Locker, which has no storyline and consists of three characters with no depth are winning Best Picture, when a movie like Remember Me with several characters with harsh backgrounds and real issues, is being slammed like the actions taking place in Rob Pattinson's bed. I seriously cannot get this movie out of my head because it really makes you think twice about life. How your entire life can change in a split second. From the first minute to last this movie follows the same theme. "Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it." Now I personally loved that from the start to the shocking conclusion. It was completely in sync, but I also see that the ending shows our lives as completely meaningless. I guess it depends on the way you perceive it. Or if I'm looking too much into it. Which I probably am. Which is probably the reason I'm the douche bag with a movie blog. I do have a few negatives though. One thing I am just far too sick of in romance movies nowadays is the hot cool guy falling for the eccentric unique chick. Like what the hell. NEWS FLASH. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Like the lead actress Ally. They go on a first date and she insists on dessert first, then her meal. Okay If Rob Pattinson asks me out on a date I would probably undress him with my eyes, fumble my words, and order a side salad. Lets be serious. Also they are college students. 21 year old seniors. When my friends and I were 21 we weren't, how do I say it delicately....put together. The only thing we had in common with these people was the beer can on his wall. I understand maybe were not normal. Who knows. Either way, the trailer for this movie seems like a romance and Rob Pattinson looking brooding and sexy. Yes it is both of those, but so much more. Please don't be deceived by the vampires usual roles. This movie is really more a drama than a romance and Pierce Brosnan and Rob Pattinson at their best.


Honestly who wouldn't remember this?

lost?

So for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of a cult favorite known as Lost, I wouldn't dare ruin anything for you. This is more of a post about the idea of Lost, an island, and being stranded with a bunch of hotties and freaks for God knows how long. First, for anyone who maybe started Lost and got turned off by the idea of time travel, black murderous smoke, or an island that technically doesn't exist, I ask you to look past all the impossibilities and far fetched story lines to see the genius of it all. Its no surprise when I say that this show is completely fake and unrealistic is every way. Sorry kids Santa isn't real either. If he was I wouldn't be sitting in my bed alone with a 5 lb. sandwich on a saturday afternoon too hungover to walk. Although there is nothing like salami and provolone... Either way, Lost is really quite genius. The show isn't really about the island, but instead about the people. The characters and this idea of six degrees of separation is perfected in Lost. Their past, present, and future are all intertwined in the best way possible. So try it out. Hey I have season one which I would love to share with anyone who wants to get Lost. Get it. Try to love it for its brilliance and craziness. The amount of time I spend reading about Lost theories and possibilities is really pathetic. Doesn't make a girl think twice why she's single thats for sure. But since some of my readers aren't exactly Lost enthusiasts I figure why not put a little twist on this post. Like what if your plane went down and you were stuck for days, months, maybe even years with the other passengers who you had no affiliation with previous to your spring break trip to PCB. Theres a few of you I would rather entertain the possibility of not surviving that crash than beginning a new civilization with. Lets see... I would probably have killed myself with a blunt tree branch when I realized I have missed the last 3 weeks of 24 and the other 6000 shows a week I watch. My sister would probably be scouring the island for the nearest supply of hot sauce to eat with her fresh catch of the day. Mcgann would probably look like a tomato, yet be excited to show off her "rockin legs" on the beach. Katy would probably be damming the island for allowing someone to rescue her from the crash instead of her desired painful death. Bridget would die of withdrawal after discovering the island is dry of alcohol and a smoke free environment. And really I don't think I even need to mention Dietz's curls in the heat. But honestly my friends and I don't exactly have the lifestyles of the rich and famous, so maybe a plane crash wouldn't be too bad. What do you guys think?

My fate sucks I guess...

good will hunting

Best. Movie. Of. All. Time. Of the things I really enjoy in life, one of them to to spread the word of a good movie. I am very passionate about this because when something makes me happy or impacts me I want to make sure everyone has that same opportunity. This movie fucking rocks. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck not only star in this movie, but also won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Some people might not think Ben is the best actor, but you've gotta give him props for this. Theres some great speeches and great one liners that really make this movie. And of course, every girl wants to save the guy from his dark past. Too bad not even a boy with a dark past will talk to me and give me the chance. I'm a big fan or Matt Damon and Robin Williams, which makes their bond in this movie even more touching. The only downfall of this movie is casting Minnie Driver as the lead woman. What the fuck were they smoking when they cast her? She has the voice of a tranny and looks like she could be Matt Damon's mom. He's far too sexy for that. Stellan Skarsgard is pretty annoying too, but all is forgiven knowing he produced such a sexy son, mostly known as Eric Northman from True Blood. I really think this is a movie everyone will enjoy, thats if you haven't already had the pleasure of seeing it. It's funny, sad, and totally unique. It received Oscar nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, and a few others you could probably give two shits about. Either way it looks like I wasn't the only one that enjoyed it. Too bad Titanic wasn't a year later. Robbed them blind.

How do you like them apples?

troubleshooting

Well, after several attempts to bring ifwasebert back to life, I failed. It seems it has been compromised. Probably because I am so very popular some little snakes have attacked my blog diverting it to other websites and ads when attempting to read it. So, nobody likes to deal with that crap so I've decided to just import my old blog into a new one. Don't worry this blog is still an ode to Ebert, but I will use his first name instead, that being Roger. I hope this blog works out better than the last one, for all my loyal followers. Maybe my fan base will even expand this time! Since I'm honestly too hungover to move and incredibly bored I will probably post again tonight, possibly while I'm watching the highly anticipated Lifetime original Who is Clark Rockefeller! Happy reading my little freaks.

What a cool dude.

oscar talk

Sunday is the big day. The day I wait for all year. The Oscars! So I figured I would lay out some of my predictions. The movies and actors I think will win and who I think should win. Two VERY different things. I understand that the awards are a few days away, but frankly I'm going to be drunk all day on saturday, so why not get this going. This year is much different than usual, mainly because there will be 10 best picture nominations versus the 5 there usually is. I think this is a good thing because more movies have a chance to be honored, yet a bad thing because honestly some of the movies just don't deserve it. It in a way makes the other nominees not as special or honored. So here's my take on some of the nominations. If you are in my Oscar pool, stop reading immediately because you'll probably just steal my predictions and end up winning the cash prize because something like that would happen to me...

BEST PICTURE
Avatar
The Blindside
An Education
The Hurt Locker: Will Win
Up
Inglorious Basterds
Precious
District 9
A Serious Man
Up in the Air: Should Win

This is a very tough category this year. What is the deal with The Hurt Locker? Critics loved it, which honestly I don't understand. I just thought it didn't really have a story. Up in the Air was a front runner for awhile, but kind of dwindled recently. The subject matter is very relevant and shows a really different view on the corporate world. I loved it. Avatar not only broke every record possible, but it was the most advanced movie ever made. Critics problem with it is that it may be technologically advanced, but its story lacks. The Blindside as a nomination is completely ridiculous. Yeah it was a tearjerker that people enjoyed, but far from the best picture of the year. Precious was overrated to me. I think the subject matter is just something that is different and supposed to shock people. I could care less. I loved Inglorious Basterds and District 9. They are both original and great in their own way. I think both are much better than The Hurt Locker, but I guess thats why I'm not an actual critic.

BEST DIRECTOR
Kathryn Bigelow "The Hurt Locker": Will Win
James Cameron "Avatar": Should Win
Lee Daniels "Precious"
Jason Reitman "Up in the Air"
Quentin Tarantino "Inglorious Basterds"

An interesting category too. The front runners Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron used to be married. So much sexual tension in the Kodak theatre. Again Kathryn will win which I think is outrageous considering the years, time, and amazing advances it took to make Avatar. But who knows, maybe James Cameron will be King of the World yet again!

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges "Crazy Heart": Will Win
George Clooney "Up in the Air"
Colin Firth "A Single Man"
Morgan Freeman "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner "The Hurt Locker"

I am embarrassed to say this, but I have not seen "Crazy Heart" or "A Single Man." I have tried, but failed. From clips and interviews, I hear Colin Firth does amazing in this movie. It is very demanding subject matter and I would really like to see him come out with an Oscar. Jeremy Renner is very easy on the eyes so I would be happy with him too. Actually I don't really care who wins. I'll go with the real critics on this one and give it to Jeff Bridges.

BEST ACTRESS
Meryl Streep "Julie and Julia"
Sandra Bullock "The Blindside": Will Win
Carey Mulligan "An Education"
Helen Mirren "The Last Station"
Gabourey Sidibe "Precious"

I am yet again embarrassed that I have not seen "The Last Station" or "An Education." These little movies are such a bitch because they only play them at certain theaters. It's hard for me to get to them. Either way Sandra Bullock will most likely win. Do I love Sandra? YES. Do I think she should win? No. I just don't think this movie is good enough to be here. Sandra did the best of her career, but I don't think its good enough. I hear Carey Mulligan is phemon, but I haven't seen it. But I mean she's dating Shia LaBeouf so I don't feel that bad if she loses. She's already got the man and the career. Two things I definitely don't.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Damon "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson "The Messanger"
Christopher Plummer "The Last Station"
Stanley Tucci "The Lovely Bones"
Christoph Waltz "Inglorious Basterds" Will Win/Should Win

I love Matt Damon, but his role didn't do it for me. I have not seen "The Messenger" but I hear its great and pretty intense subject matter so I'd like to see Woody in it. Who doesn't love a little Woody? Stanley Tucci was great in "The Lovely Bones." He's great in everything, so I think he really deserves this nomination along with a punch in the face for giving me nightmares. The winner will be and should be Christoph Waltz for "Inglorious Basterds." Great movie and great performance.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Vera Farmiga "Up in the Air"
Penelope Cruz "Nine"
Anna Kendrick "Up in the Air"
M'onique "Precious": Will Win/Should Win
Maggie Gyllenhaal "Crazy Heart"

Although I am far from a fan of the loud mouthed, hairy legged M'onique, this is well-deserved. She is quite disturbing and shocking in this performance. Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga were also very good.

Best Animated Feature Film will undoubtedly go to "Up." Best Original Screenplay will be a toss up between "The Hurt Locker" and "Inglorious Basterds." I'm crossing my fingers for "Basterds." Best Adapted Screenplay will most likely go to "Up in the Air," but I'm hoping for "District 9," one of my favorite movies of the year!

The rest of the categories I either don't give a shit about or don't care to discuss right now. I hope you enjoyed what I think...since I am brilliant! Good luck with your pools! If you want to join ours, there's still time! See you on the red carpet!

Do you think this tagline is at every bar me and my friends have walked into?

law abiding citizen

So, when Law Abiding Citizen came out in theaters I heard basically only bad reviews. Although Jamie Foxx is a great actor and Gerard Butler is, well at least eye candy, it still wasn't doing it for the critics. Yet recently, when it came out on DVD I kept hearing such good things from people my age. Facebook statuses and word of mouth were raving about how awesome this movie was. So, naturally when I received my monthly free redbox rental, I used it on Law Abiding Citizen. Yes, I actually receive redbox texts and emails for a free rental that costs $1. Times are rough guys... My conclusion is pretty much a mix. This movie is very intense, starting in the first minute. Did I enjoy it? Yes. It is an amazing movie? No. The plot is very different than an other movie I have seen. The trailer portrays Gerard Butler as an evil man with absolutely no morals. When you watch the movie you see him a quite different. More a broken man trying to follow his misguided morals. Without ruining the movie for those who haven't seen it, something very disturbing and horrible happened in his past resulting in this need for vengeance. Although he is an absolute psycho, you find yourself sympathizing with him. It reminded me of how one of my friends said that if her husband ever cheated on her she would murder him. I won't reveal her name so any men reading won't go running for the hills, but I think you could probably guess. Still psychotic of course, but a little sympathy there. A little. The movie definitely keeps you watching and wondering what the end result will be. I would recommend it for a rental for the ladies and gents. Maybe even a date night. Too bad no one reading this blog will be asked out on a date anytime soon. Also I feel I need to point out the absurdity of a part of the movie. I'm just gonna say what it is because it adds absolutely nothing to the plot and I'm not really giving anything away. When Gerard is arrested, which obviously you know since the trailer shows him in jail, he deems it necessary to just take all his clothes off and get arrested in the nude. Like, I'm not complaining or anything since I don't even remember what a man looks like topless, but is it really necessary? Absolutely not. So weird. Anyways, I'd say give Law Abiding Citizen a try. Don't expect to see a great crime thriller, but it will definitely keep you entertained!

Also this is totally off subject, but me and my dad were just watching Giuliana and Bill. He is such a fox. Where are the rest of the men like this is Chicago?

If for no other reason ladies, maybe this is a reason to see it