dawson's creek

Dawson's Creek? F that. More like Pacey's Creek. I know theres one person amongst many that agrees with that statement and thats Pacey Witter himself, Joshua Jackson. The smooth talking, not so intelligent, sexy man that spent many a night with his English teacher Tamara Jacobs. Yes, Pacey Witter, Capeside's one and only. This past weekend in San Diego was the annual Comic-Con convention. For all you LOSERS who don't know what that is, it is an annual comic book festival that has evolved into a convention celebrating the best and brightest present television shows and movies. Celebrities, producers, directors, and mascots come dressed to impress in superhero wardrobe to promote their latest flicks and give previews to the next big thing. Shows such as Lost, Heroes, True Blood, and movies like Harry Potter, Twilight, and Iron Man, come together to show the biggest nerds of America how to really party. Fans get quite crazy by sleeping on the floor to get good seats to the Q and A of their favorite show, get snapshots with the stars, and this year one fan even stabbed another in the eye with a pen for a closer seat. Normal I suppose. Comic-Con is my destiny. For three years now I've been doing everything in my power to head to San Diego, avoid the sun like the plague and spend all waking hours in line to see my favorite stars and hopefully my future fanboy husband. Clearly with lack of intelligence, employment, and funds I have yet to make it there. I will one day, don't you fret. The point of this explanation is to show where the inaugural Pacey-Con 2010 took place. Working with FunnyorDie.com, Joshua Jackson wore his throw back Pacey Witter attire and proceeded to canvass the Comic-Con convention pretending it was Pacy-Con 2010, by continually playing the Dawson theme song, reading edited scripts, and acting like Pacey was God. If you are a Dawson's Creek fan at all you will find this clip hilarious. Joshua is just as charming a decade later as the horny and immature Pacey Witter once was. Take a look my little monsters...

Pacey-Con

My kind of people...

inception

I literally have no words. I don't even know why I'm writing this blog post. This movie is phen-om-enol. I'm pretty sure that the general population of the world already saw this movie and has had a lot to talk about. This is hands down the most original movie I have ever seen and probably will see for a very long time. Christopher Nolan of The Dark Knight wrote and directed this movie and it took him 10 years to get it here. They all thought he was crazy until they saw his genius of The Dark Knight and allowed him to do it. The movie is about dream thieves who can enter your dream state and steal ideas from your brain. This movie takes us through their attempt to not only steal ideas but plant ideas in your head without your subconscious showing you that it isn't originally yours, aka inception. The sexy Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't miss a beat as always and one of my all-time faves Joseph Gordon-Levitt is finally being rewarded for the great actor he is. I mean who didn't love him as Cameron in 10 Things I Hate About You? I loved him trying to learn French for Bianca Stratford. The special effects are insane and the movie itself is a brain exercise for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I don't think i've thought that hard since birth. Lord knows I didn't give a shit in college. Apparently you need to actually think in movies. You can't get a test from the kids who took the class before you. You'll spend the entire length of the movie on the edge of your seat wondering what the fuck is actually going on, what level of a dream they are currently in, and how time is shorter and longer based on your level of dreaming. Genius. Leo's lady Mal is the token psycho bitch of the movie and does a very creepy job at it. At some points I thought I was watching Shutter Island again. Freaky freaky women let me tell you. All I can say is that this movie is a must see. There is no doubt about that. All you ladies who only enjoy romantic comedies starring Ryan Reynolds and Miley Cyrus are shit outta luck. Open your eyes to something marvelous and much more worth your time. If these sort of dream thieves ever did exist they probably would have no reason to steal anything from my head. Bridget's dreams would have monkeys clanking their instruments together. I probably killed all "important" information at Butch McGuires. All they would find up there would be boys, money, and a fantasy life much different than this one thats for sure. Then again thats the closest I'd ever come to Leo being inside me...

He blossomed into such a stud didn't he?

salt

Who is Evelyn Salt? Russian spy? Maybe. Framed CIA agent? Maybe. Babe? Yes. Foreign baby loving husband stealer? Yes. Oh wait, thats just Angelina. So I've been looking forward to Salt for quite awhile. Although I'm not the biggest Angelina fan in real life, you can't deny she's a good actress. She may kiss her brother, wear her ex-husband's vile of blood around her neck, and have 62959248 babies from 92967805 countries, but I'm still diggin that rockin' bod. All in all I enjoyed Salt. Some nice action sequences, good stunts, and babes-a-plenty! Liev Schreiber plays CIA agent Winter. I honestly have no idea why the women in this world don't swoon over Liev Schreiber as much as I do! Even when he played a murderous mutant in X-Men I was all about it. Not only is he incredibly foxy, but that voice kills me. So deep. So raspy. If I had the privilege of being his mate I'd feel like I was with a real man. Not like all these other boys. Man versus boy. Liev Schreiber versus Nick Jonas. Now that I've dissected and sexually degraded the male star of the movie I can get back to Salt. The movie was a nice action popcorn flick. There was a little history lesson and is she isn't/she going on so it definitely kept the mind open. Just a little fun fact for you little idiots. The role of Angelina Jolie as Evelyn Salt was originally supposed to be male and go to Tom Cruise. Thank your lucky stars we didn't need to see that brainwashed scientological freak again anytime soon. Your Risky Business days are over. Now you're just with Dawson's leftovers. Anyways, I think the movie kept us guessing and kept our attention pretty well. I think they could have gone about describing the history of the Russian spies and their place in this country a little better. It seemed a little random, but I suppose it all ties together in the end. Angelina did a good job as always and made me wish I could kick some ass like that. That would be so sweet for someone to just like pick on you or try and mug you and then all a sudden you beat their ass. That would be bomb diggity. The movies a good old cat and mouse game, but with a little more substance. And I think we could all use a little more substance and a little less Nicholas Sparks bullshit. Okay I'm gonna shut up now. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend I think this would be a nice little flick to catch together. Dietz and Pooty would have been curled up next to you the whole time. Then again they're freaks. Aren't we all?

Mr. Winter you'd melt my snow any day

eclipse

There are some traditions that are meant to be kept. Christmas dinner. Family vacations. Murphy's happy hour. And last and most importantly…midnight shows. There is not one midnight show for my favorite franchises that I have missed in ages. Every time me, Mush, and Chrissie hit up the Harry Potter and Twilight midnight shows with all the freaks a decade younger than us. We were even called out of school early for Lord of the Rings. RIP my dear friends and hobbits. Your saga is truly missed. If you haven't been to a midnight show I definitely recommend you try it out. It's always always an interesting experience to say the least. I've learned a lot through these experiences. I have learned that it is "not socially acceptable" to be 20 years old and wear a lightning bolt and black round glasses to a Harry Potter show. I have learned that Milwaukee's midnight shows consist of a ghetto theater where its okay to drink pitchers of Miller Lite waiting in line. I have learned that hundreds of girls in Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts think its okay to verbally assault each other about who would be a better mate for them. Lastly I learned at Eclipse that Twihards might be young, cute girls, but this does not mean they are sweet, especially in a crowded parking lot. I almost found a grenade to drop on top a certain brown Saturn. Then again if you don't enjoy hearing 100 screaming girls when Jacob takes his top off, this might not be the thing for you. So yesterday I continued the tradition as I wore my matching Team Edward shirt to my VIP showing of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I'm actually not quite sure what the hell I saw. This could be because the 19 year olds behind us kept babbling that "the MTV experts said phone sex through texting is sexing, but just sending inappropriate things is flirt texting." Yes, I agree the word sext might be the best word of 2009, but I don't need to be distracted with such mundane things when bloodsuckers are expanding on the large screen in front of me. When I get very excited about something I'm going to see, sometimes the anticipation gets the best of me and I honestly have no idea what I'm watching. I'm so nervous about whats to come that I can't concentrate on what I just saw. I think that happened last night. There, of course, are a few things I need to say. First off, this movie was never meant to win Oscars or to house Oscar winning actors. With that said, the acting in this movie was pretty awful. Kristen Stewart is already a miserable wench, so all she had to do was continue being herself. Dakota Fanning was terrible, which is surprising since she's been in the business since she was like in the womb. Robert Pattinson is the one that bothers me. He has a rep of being a less than talented actor and it's hard because I don't blame people. His acting skills in this movie consist of looking ridiculously tormented and full of personal anguish. His facial expressions look almost constipated. He needs to ease up on the misery a little. His role as Edward doesn't really require much, which makes his acting look terrible. In Remember Me he's actually not half bad, but most people only see him as Edward Cullen. The best actor in the movie by far was Xavier Samuel. He plays a newborn vampire named Riley that strictly yearns for blood and murder. He is incredibly sexy and ruthless and plays his role well. I. Want. Him. To. Bite. The. Shit. Out. Of. Me. Unfortunately Dietz has already informed me that pale white just isn't my color. Besides my problems with the acting, I enjoyed the movie for its purpose intended. Best movie I've seen all year, fuck no, but enjoyable to say the least. Before Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince premiered, I made sure to reread the 6th book since it had been some time since I last read it. This was both a good and bad thing. Good because I went into the movie knowing exactly what to expect. Bad because every detail left out of the book I poked and prodded at making it less enjoyable than it may have been had not read it. My sister was ready to put a bullet in my head. So I chose not to reread Eclipse. I've read the book about 4 times, all of these being several years ago, before everyone grew fangs overnight. So, I really didn't remember exactly what happened. Of what I do remember, it followed the book pretty accurately. The look of the vampires themselves get more ridiculous in each movie. Yes in the book they are pale and golden eyed, unless they are newborns and their eyes are blood read. I understand this, but they way they make them look is almost freakish. They might wanna go a tint up on the golden contacts. Edward was much much much hotter in the first movie and book. Now, after seeing the movie I realize why I wanted Bella dead. Bella, I get that Edward and Jacob both love you, but why do you need to play both of them? This is why me and most of my friends are single. Greedy freaks like Bella that need it all! Actually I highly doubt thats why were single, but a girl can dream right? Bella, since when is a stunningly beautiful vampire that wants to be with you for eternity and can indeed sink his sexy fangs into your neck not enough for a girl? Unbelievable. And for that matter, Jacob, how many times must you be degraded and embarrassed before you can accept rejection? Please someone explain this concept to me. Now that I've bitched for like 20 minutes I need to express that I actually did enjoy this movie. Probably the best of the three. Obviously as with most book to movie transitions, the book is always drastically better, but we have to expect and live with that. This time we get a little more depth into the Cullen clan and the battle sequences are pretty cool. This movie essentially can stand alone as its own movie. I'm verrryyy interested in how they will pull off Breaking Dawn and I'm sure the rest of my Twihard friends agree! By the way, Eclipse made $30 million alone on midnight shows. Broke the record. Take that and your $5 million dollar weekend Megan Fox.

Xavier I have a very fresh neck open for biting

toy story 3

I honestly never in a million years expected to enjoy Toy Story 3 as much as I did. I can say with confidence that this is one of the best movies I have seen all year and possibly longer. It's been 11 years since the last Toy Story. The theater I was at had no one under the age of 15, from teenagers to grandparents. I love that the kids I babysit for are carrying around Woody dolls at the age of 5, when we were doing the same thing. Are you crying with nostalgia yet? Toy Story 3 was hilarious, adorable, and even made me gasp a few times. I cried uncontrollably wanting only to go home and kiss every stuffed animal and toy I've ever owned, especially Yum Yums and Pretty. The animation is so amazing in this movie and the creators have an incredible attention to detail. The movie takes place at a daycare when Andy's mom accidentally donates the toys when Andy is leaving for college. The part I loved the most about this movie was that if you changed the plot a tiny bit if could be very realistic. The toys are trying desperately to escape the daycare when they realize its a living hell with a tyrant toy named Lotso running the joint. Like any old hostage situation. I felt like they were real people. The toys have to cope with the fact that Andy is moving on with his life and playtime and his need for them is very infrequent. Does this make it weird that I still sleep with my "stuffed dog" Pretty every night? Clearly she is real, speaks, and loves, but I feel if I say that aloud I'll be looked at as "crazy." Very similar to when my friends don't accept the fact that my living, breathing pooch Shadow is immortal. Name me one other dog thats lived to 15. Immortal. IMMORTAL. I really didn't have any intention of going to see Toy Story 3, especially since I remember absolutely nothing from Toy Story 2, but I desperately encourage everyone to go see it. Boys, girls, moms, dads, dogs, cats, imaginary boyfriends, everyone. Fantastic movie. Even Garrett enjoyed it. But then again, while we sobbed wiping our tears, his only comment was, "OMG that baby is ugly as shit!"

Theres even romance!

sex and the city 2

So, friday night me, Pooty, and Dietz headed to the Pickwick Theatre to have a relaxing girls night and see the ultimate chick flick, Sex and the City 2. Me, Pooty, and Dietz seeing Sex and the City 2. Ironic? Very. Sex and the City has been entertaining women for over a decade now. City lights, fashion, and well, sex. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte live the life. Quite different than my group of lady friends. In our lives theres very little sex. Very little fashion. And very little cosmopolitans. Sadly, the only thing that remotely compared to the three of us in that theatre was the pale overweight woman seen in the background of the karaoke scene dancing and spilling a beer on herself. A sad, yet truthful comparison. But thats all okay. I love us the way we are. Who needs Dior when you have TJ Max? There are far more important things to spend $400 on than shoes I can't even walk in. Well, I was highly anticipating this movie for a long time. I'm a big fan of the show and really enjoyed the first movie. I laughed, cried, and wished I was them, enjoying every bit of the first movie. I had the complete opposite reaction in the sequel. Yes, a few parts gave ma a good laugh, but its almost trying too hard. The jokes were overdone and used at times that were far too typical. Also, there was no plot. It was almost 3 hours and by the end absolutely nothing changes. The issues these women were facing was motherhood, menopause, work troubles, and a marriage with no "sparkle." Um sorry ladies but thats what happens when you're 40. People have real problems. This is called life. And I didn't feel a bit of pity. As if the movie wasn't already plummeting in the wrong direction, they had to bring in Aiden. Michael Patrick King, WHY! Men, its okay if you're sensitive. Real men cry. Exhibit A: Lee Dewyze. Congratulations on winning American Idol my love. I'm single. But PLEASE do not be anything like Aiden. He's literally the bane of my existence. I love Mr. Big. The only things I took from this movie were that I want to date Mr. Big and I don't want to live in the Middle East. Needless to say, we left the movie and headed straight to the Emerald Isle. Round of Miller Lites for all. Cheers ladies!

I wouldn't mind being Mrs. Big

v

I'm pretty sure no one I know besides my brother and dad watch this show, but hopefully whatever I write will change that for you. V has just finished its first season on ABC, and it really went out with a bang. V is a remake of an old mini-series. It's named after the nickname for the "Visitors," also known as the aliens that have come to earth and hovered their ships over all major cities around the globe. The story follows the V ship hovering Los Angeles. The leader of the V's is  a cunning babe named Anna, whose beauty and manipulation is able to make the Americans believe they've come in peace and see them as a miracle brought to earth to share their technology and resources. Clearly this is false. Very false. The V's look just like humans, except of course when they are wounded and their scales come out to play. A few O Bombs will do that to you too. A group of rebel V's and humans known as the 5th Column make it their duty to take back their land and expose the V's for the pieces of shit they really are. Scott Wolf stars as a journalist taken under Anna's wing. He ultimately needs to decide whether being Anna's puppet and furthering his career or finding out the true nature of the V's is most important. The sad thing is, he wears such a ridiculous amount of make up the viewers will never actually know if he is indeed an alien. Not a V. Like a legit alien from another planet in real life. He's actually kinda cute, but he has that Oprah effect. Like what the f does he look like without his face on? Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell also stars as an FBI agent who joined the 5th Column. The beauty is, you never know who to trust and who is a human or a V. Kinda like men. I know this show hasn't received enough attention, but it has been renewed for another season. So all my sci-fi friends and nerds out there, definitely make this your next show to add to the list. It gets better every week and is unlike any show I've ever seen. And I like it. It has a very different concept of aliens. We always assume they are green and slimy. What if aliens really did look just like us? Would we hang out with them? Would we take them home from Murphy's or Beumonts? Or would we even know they were aliens? There is a very good possibility that I am indeed an alien. I don't think I'm like most girls, or humans for that matter. I know for sure Bridget isn't. Her skin is far too pale to be human. And the most interesting part about the V's is that they can't sense or feel human emotion. No sadness, so happiness, no fear, no nothing. Like what would they feel when intoxicated? Besides veryyyy unsteady. Not worth it to me.

No wonder they drool when she speaks...

the vampire diaries

So the world is covered in blood right now. Vampire mania. Twilight. True Blood. A million books that try to repeat the Twilight pattern. And most recently the CW's The Vampire Diaries. I'm not gonna lie. I watch it. I love vamps. I wouldn't mind getting bit. And by I wouldn't mind, I mean I want to get bit. Now. Yesterday. So I'm watching tonights episode of The Vampire Diaries and I can't help but wonder why. Why the hell am I watching this crap? Years ago before the first Twilight movie was even made, I was a major Twihard. This is before everything with a vagina became obsessed with the bloodsuckers, so I really enjoyed it. So I moved on to the next best thing and read The Vampire Diaries series. Nothing compared to Stephanie Meyer's words and the images that ran through this little head. Now True Blood is a little different. Those vampires are badass mofos who don't care who they kill and I love it. They're a mans vamp. Don't get me wrong I love Edward Cullen more than the next girl, but honestly what is with this new vampire trend? Edward is the sweet vampire turned animal killer as to not harm any innocent humans. Stefan Salvatore, of The Vampire Diaries, is the same man with a different name. They follow this pattern. Hot vamp turned "vegetarian" and nabbing the emo girl that shares the same personality as a wet mop. Bella Swam and Elena Gilbert are just about as fascinating as watching paint dry. But of course they get the hot vampire every girl yearns for. Why? Honestly why wouldn't the men that can live forever and never age date some hot girl with an actual personality? Beats me. Now since I literally have no life I'll probably watch season 2 of The Vampire Diaries strictly for Ian Somerhalder. Love him. He plays the badass brother vamp, Damon, who just wants to fuck up the town and murder girls. He's the Eric Northman of Mystic Falls. And all the ladies know I lust for Eric's bite. I love it. Damon Salvatore's not pretending he doesn't have the need. And honestly, I know my vegetarian is different than a vampires vegetarian, but if not eating meat is similar to not drinking human blood, then I know exactly what kind of vampire I would be. Me, Bridget, and Maj without meat for a day, let alone a lifetime. Good luck to all you innocent mortals, because you're gonna be looking just like a hot dog to us. I mean her name isn't Hillary "Hot Dog" Stevenson for no reason. Anyways, I'm just wondering when this vampire craze will bleed out. The Twilight saga will come to an end in 2012, so they still have some time in the spotlight. And yes, it is a phenomena that will never be forgotten. I'll be at the midnight shows when I'm 25 no doubt. True Blood will continue because it gets the male audience just as much as the female. But The Vampire Diaries and all these copy books and shows need to take a few steps back. If even me, one of the biggest fangbangers you know sees an end, its gonna get old. I'm enjoying the ride though. Just watched Edward himself on Oprah. He's so frickin' dreamy.

Bella Swan or Wet Mop?

iron man 2

There's a problem with movies that begin a franchise and pleasantly surprise the first time around. Even bigger results are expected in the sequel. They seldom ever achieve the greatness of the first. Except when I was born. I was the sequel to my brother. The second born. And I'm the best. When Iron Man came out in 2008, Robert Downey Jr. was just returning from his hiatus of his drug binge and no one quite knew what to except. Reviews were great and everyone loved it. Now 2 years later everyone wants the same quality and reviews. It's way to hard to achieve. Overall I enjoyed Iron Man 2. Part of me felt like I was watching explosions for 2 hours straight, but take it as it is and it's a good action movie. The plot overall was decent. Mickey Rourke's character Ivan was a badass Russian who wanted revenge on Tony Stark because of his father's actions. This actions were not exactly something I would kill because of, but some people overreact I suppose. Do I think it was odd that an ex-con covered head to toe in tattoos happened to be a genius who could recreate the Iron Man suit and needed to bellow in angst? Yeah a little. But I have to say he was my favorite character and I wish I saw a little more of him in the movie. Mickey never disappoints. On to the next character. Tony Stark aka RDJ. His character is a narcissistic, yet very likable playboy celebrity, who happens to be saving the world. I understand this is his character and I do enjoy his antics, but sometimes the humor is just a little too much for me. When you have bad guys trying to murder you at every angle...don't bicker with Pepper Potts. It's not the time nor the place buddy. We had a little too much daddy problems and not enough real explanation to how your dad from afar is "communicating to you." We also had a few new additions to the cast this sequel. Sam Rockwell was a pussy who is trying to one up Tony. I'm a big Sam fan. Always have been. He's a puny little bitch, but I always had a major jones for him. Too bad in one of his first major scenes the only thing you can stare at is the fight he got into with self-tanner on his palms. Him and McGann need to have a proper lesson. Or just understand that not everyone was born as bronzed as me and Pauly D were. The other new additions were Samuel L. Jackson who happened to be wearing a black eye patch around the city and Scarlett Johansson who is a secret superhero. The movie could have gone the exact same way without these characters. Completely unnecessary. After doing some digging I realized its because they are making a new Marvel franchise from these 2 characters. Ask me if I care. In the end I felt a little unchanged. The entire theme of the movie was of security and trust in the Iron Man technology. In the end things haven't changed a bit and the questions are all still there. I mean this is Iron Man. It's no hard-thinking drama so I'll just shut up and let you enjoy it for what it is. I don't wanna give away any spoilers! I would definitely check out this movie if you liked the first or are interested in the comic book genre. Its entertaining if not anything else. RDJ looks good too. And I'm embarrassed to say this. But is it bad I was slightly turned on by Ivan's tattoos? Especially when he was wearing his undies in jail? Sorry about it.

I'm sorry but if we cut off his head I wouldn't hate this...

american idol

So we're now in the 9th season of American Idol. I've never watched before because I was either out drinking at Murphys, had a million other television commitments, or just simply didn't care about the freaks that had such delusional dreams and visions of themselves that they actually believed they were good singers. Well unemployment has yet again forced me to take another show under my belt. So every Tuesday and Wednesday me, my dad, my mom, and my sister fight for the best spot of the couch, grab ice cream bars, and scream obscenities at the television screen. Things like "that bitch has gotta go," "you fucking suck," and "I'd do anything to date you," are often said. And no it's not my 300 lb. italian, Chicago detective father that is screaming about getting dates. So I admit, I didn't think I would get hooked. I hate reality shows. I'm all about the sci-fi and dramas, well and Jack Bauer. But I must say I'm obsessed. It's pretty cool to see how the singers get better, change over the course, and how America will vote. Right now were at the last 7. Heres a little down low.

From left to right: Big Mike, Aaron Kelly, Lee Dewyze, Crystal Bowersox, Sioban Magnus, Tim Urban, and Casey James

Well here we go. "Big Mike" is just a pain in my ass. He seems like a real nice guy to tell you the truth. His baby was born when he was on the road with Idol and he's not a bad singer. But honestly, sorry this isn't like PC, but then again if you know me I'm never PC. We don't need another fucking Ruben Studdard. Thats it. Aaron Kelly just seems like a little angel. Great voice, but he won't last. He is too young and doesn't have the sex appeal for the tween vote. Love him though. Lee Dewzye. Mark my words. He will win! He's from Mount Prospect so we gotta represent. He has an awesome strong, manly voice that everyone loves. Crystal Bowersox. Ugh I'm so over you. Yeah, don't get me wrong she's good. But she's too hyped up for me. She's a great singer, but I think Lee will steal the victory from her. Sioban Magnus is an interesting one. She has a very powerful voice, especially with her token scream during every performance. She's good but her personality is too weird for everyone to embrace. And she kinda seems like she has down syndrome when she talks. Tim Urban. OMG Tim Urban. If you watch Idol you already know what I'm thinking. Tim seems like a nice enough kid, but he is not a good singer. He has no range. He is simply only here because 12 year old girls get the heeby-geebys when he's around. HES GOTTA GO! Lastly Casey James. Ohh La La. I love me some Casey James. Especially with that hair in a pony. He has a really sexy voice and seems like the cutest guy. Kara swoons over him as does everyone in America.

The top three are gonna come to Lee, Crystal, and Casey. I hope at least. It's gonna come down to Lee and Crystal and I pray Lee takes it homes. Here's a video of each of my favorite performances by each:

Lee singing "Treat her Like a Lady"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSCNndlJN5Y

Crystal singing "Gimme One Reason"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HpPmg6bqDU&feature=related

Casey singing "Jealous Guy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p_5kRKageQ&feature=related

Sorry the links aren't working so you might need to just copy and paste into a browser. Enjoy!

clash of the titans

There's a lot of words to describe me. Babe. Amazing. Hilarious. Beautiful. Perfect. Supermodel. But the most important adjectives to date are: Potterhead. Fangbanger. Twihard. Lostie. Ringer. If you don't understand these words get the fuck off my blog and get a new friend. I assume you don't wanna know the rest. The point of this rambling is to explain that I love fantasy and sci-fi. Possibly because the 10 hour trek to Mordor was indeed more promising than my future. Just kidding I'm not that pessimistic. Well sometimes. Either way, when I saw a trailer for the remake of Clash of the Titans, I envisioned yet another ridiculously far-fetched, exciting, and bloody battle to the finish. Yes it was all these things, yet much more anti-climactic and poorly told than I imagined. Don't get me wrong I loved watching 2 straight hours of Sam Worthington. I loved watching 2 straight hours of Sam Worthington with a just got back from the Bahamas tan. I loved watching 2 straight hours of Sam Worthington with a just got back from the Bahamas tan in a skirt. And man those legs. And I understand that this movie is a remake, but I thought the storyline was a little weak. It told the story of the half-god, half-man Perseus leading the humans to fight the gods for their poor treatment of the humans. I just didn't feel there as enough reason to really want this war on the gods. Yes maybe not the most important reason to dislike the movie, but it really bothered me. Also, I always enjoyed learning about Greek mythology in high school. I might be very wrong about this, but I always thought Zeus was a good guy. Am I wrong? Leader of the gods, strong, and just. Maybe I'm wrong. But Zeus seemed like a slutty douche bag in this movie. But man do I love Liam Neeson. He's moved up to the second celebrity to replace my father. The first is Victor Garber of course. Back to Clash. It fulfilled it responsibility of being an action movie to keep me entertained, but its not something that I needed to run to the theatre for. So I say hey try it out, but don't have the highest expectations. And if you're low on cash, grab the bootleg. The picture won't show the high-def of Sam's calf muscles, but I can give you a detailed description if you're interested.

Come save me Perseus. I think the gods were bad to me too.

the last song

The Last Song. Well, I know I lost several...well several hundred brain cells in college, but I'm pretty sure I read the title as The Last Song, not The Shitty Song. This movie was at times painful to watch. I mean, I didn't expect to see an Oscar worthy performance by Miley Cyrus or anything, but I also didn't expect to laugh when someone was in a near death experience. The first step to making this movie better is to call a dentist to fix Miley's jagged tooth. Drove me fucking crazy. After that the real work begins. Within a 10 minute span Miley's character went from wearing all black and earrings and hating a chiseled volleyball player to wearing a flowered skirt and telling him she loved him. I know I'm not so lucky in love, but something about this seems a tad off. If this was true Sammy would be in love with...well every single man in Milwaukee. Starting with the boy on Murphy's pool table. Also during this 10 minute span Miley's character went from telling her very attractive father that she hated him to giggling and chasing him around a piano. Standard I guess... As in every Nicholas Sparks novel, there needs to be some heartache, not only between lovers but also family. Well this lovers quarrel may as well have been about who stole the cookie from the cookie jar because thats how serious and believable it was. Although her family problems very actually real, the acting was so bad the only reaction was laughter or a head shake. If Miley and Liam's real life romance is any indication of their onscreen chemistry, then I really gotta stop hatin' on the single life. Now, I'm a big fan of Hannah Montana. Got the CDs. Got the movie. Seen most of the episodes. But Miley...PLEASE STOP ACTING. I'm not gonna lie, girl can sing. But her acting skills consisted of looking like she was hit over the head with a sledgehammer and giggling in the mud with a babe. Now to me, acting is kind of like selling something. You need to sell the character you are playing. This is why I cry in all movies. I feel for the characters. I am sad they are put in these positions and wanna be there for them. This being said, Miley couldn't sell fried chicken at 28th and Wisconsin. Absolutely brutal. I admit the movie did step it up in the second hour, but the work was already done. There was a big fat sign across the screen screaming DO NOT RESUSCITATE.  I had no intention of that. Of course I shed a tear or two, but thats only because the best actor of the mostly-well known cast was a no name 10 year old boy. The only saving grace. Since this movie was a failure at any attempt at believable love, I give a shout out to my favorite loyal follower Pat. There is still hope. Congratulations on your engagement! Good thing Wendy is no Miley...but I bet you look better than Liam Hemsworth without your shirt on sexy.

The only good 10 seconds of the movie.

alice in wonderland

Well if you are a follower of this blog, you've gotta know how excited I was to see this. I live for Johnny and Tim collaborations. Now, I saw this movie a few weeks ago, but my blog was virally attacked during that time so I'm going to reflect as best I can. My first reaction was about illegal substances. Mind altering substances. I've never been one to dabble in drogas, but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a cocktail or 12 after a long week of doing nothing. I would never say drugs are good habit, but honestly if I was a drug addict this movie would have been AWESOME. Since this is a somewhat family-friendly blog I will refrain from using a name, but I actually just received a comment from an anonymous young lady right next to me saying, "I was on drugs during that movie. And it was awesome." Yet, I'm a substance free woman, and so this critique will also be. Visually this movie was really sweet. Its a real treat for the eyes. Although there is an older cartoon version of this movie and obviously a book, I really didn't remember the plot very well. Helena Bonham Carter plays the Queen of Hearts so perfectly. She is really funny actually. No matter what the crime is, its always "off with their heads!" Oh man, if it was only that easy. There would have been a few dozen decapitated people walking around Marquette University thats for sure. The Cheshire Cat was trippy as hell. And so was Alan Rickman as the Blue Caterpillar for that matter. Although I really enjoyed this movie, it was definitely not my favorite Tim Burton movie. That could have something to do with Bridget and Gina making me sit close enough to lick the screen. I need back row center. Such amateurs. I really did like this movie though. I loved hearing the story again, of course in Tim's creepy dark way. If a place is called Wonderland, it really did not resemble a place I would consider Wonderland. Then again, my Wonderland looks like a little place I like to call Gene and Judes. Best hot dogs in Chicago. I found myself feeling really bad for The Mad Hatter. Of course I even teared up at one point. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world that teared up, but thats those crazy feminine emotions during movies. I'd definitely recommend everyone to see this, even if only for 3D experience or The Queen of Hearts little jokes. After I saw Alice I had a dream that night. Most girls who dream about Johnny Depp probably picture themselves laying in bed with him, but not this girl. I had a dream I met Johnny and went out for coffee discussing his movies with him. Of course he loved me and we became great friends. Then I woke up. Woke up alone, unemployed, overweight, and poor. Then I realized. Tim's Wonderland isn't looking too bad after all.

Do you think I look more like Tweedle dee or Tweedle dum?

remember me

Remember you? How could I forget? I saw Remember Me approximately 3 days ago and it still has not left my mind. Good thing I've been on a New Moon kick because the trailer plays every time I turn it on! Now its not often a movie makes me sit behind the wheel on a Sunday afternoon sobbing while rushing through traffic, but this one really did it to me. Crying in movies is probably one of my favorite pastimes, but this was double time. My heart, yes guys I have one, was literally ripped out, pounded with a hammer, and left on the movie theatre floor. I felt physical pain after it was over. But there was one other feeling. Rob Pattinson looks like a walking god in this movie, one thats been beaten up a bit of course. Which leads me to ask the question: Why is it that guys with bruises, cuts, and blood all over their faces look even hotter when girls just resemble drunken train wrecks? Maybe getting hit by that car made me sexier? Probably not. Well this movie has also been beaten up. Not by cute bar rats, but instead by critics. I'm gonna have to completely disagree with them. Movies like The Hurt Locker, which has no storyline and consists of three characters with no depth are winning Best Picture, when a movie like Remember Me with several characters with harsh backgrounds and real issues, is being slammed like the actions taking place in Rob Pattinson's bed. I seriously cannot get this movie out of my head because it really makes you think twice about life. How your entire life can change in a split second. From the first minute to last this movie follows the same theme. "Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it." Now I personally loved that from the start to the shocking conclusion. It was completely in sync, but I also see that the ending shows our lives as completely meaningless. I guess it depends on the way you perceive it. Or if I'm looking too much into it. Which I probably am. Which is probably the reason I'm the douche bag with a movie blog. I do have a few negatives though. One thing I am just far too sick of in romance movies nowadays is the hot cool guy falling for the eccentric unique chick. Like what the hell. NEWS FLASH. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Like the lead actress Ally. They go on a first date and she insists on dessert first, then her meal. Okay If Rob Pattinson asks me out on a date I would probably undress him with my eyes, fumble my words, and order a side salad. Lets be serious. Also they are college students. 21 year old seniors. When my friends and I were 21 we weren't, how do I say it delicately....put together. The only thing we had in common with these people was the beer can on his wall. I understand maybe were not normal. Who knows. Either way, the trailer for this movie seems like a romance and Rob Pattinson looking brooding and sexy. Yes it is both of those, but so much more. Please don't be deceived by the vampires usual roles. This movie is really more a drama than a romance and Pierce Brosnan and Rob Pattinson at their best.


Honestly who wouldn't remember this?

lost?

So for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of a cult favorite known as Lost, I wouldn't dare ruin anything for you. This is more of a post about the idea of Lost, an island, and being stranded with a bunch of hotties and freaks for God knows how long. First, for anyone who maybe started Lost and got turned off by the idea of time travel, black murderous smoke, or an island that technically doesn't exist, I ask you to look past all the impossibilities and far fetched story lines to see the genius of it all. Its no surprise when I say that this show is completely fake and unrealistic is every way. Sorry kids Santa isn't real either. If he was I wouldn't be sitting in my bed alone with a 5 lb. sandwich on a saturday afternoon too hungover to walk. Although there is nothing like salami and provolone... Either way, Lost is really quite genius. The show isn't really about the island, but instead about the people. The characters and this idea of six degrees of separation is perfected in Lost. Their past, present, and future are all intertwined in the best way possible. So try it out. Hey I have season one which I would love to share with anyone who wants to get Lost. Get it. Try to love it for its brilliance and craziness. The amount of time I spend reading about Lost theories and possibilities is really pathetic. Doesn't make a girl think twice why she's single thats for sure. But since some of my readers aren't exactly Lost enthusiasts I figure why not put a little twist on this post. Like what if your plane went down and you were stuck for days, months, maybe even years with the other passengers who you had no affiliation with previous to your spring break trip to PCB. Theres a few of you I would rather entertain the possibility of not surviving that crash than beginning a new civilization with. Lets see... I would probably have killed myself with a blunt tree branch when I realized I have missed the last 3 weeks of 24 and the other 6000 shows a week I watch. My sister would probably be scouring the island for the nearest supply of hot sauce to eat with her fresh catch of the day. Mcgann would probably look like a tomato, yet be excited to show off her "rockin legs" on the beach. Katy would probably be damming the island for allowing someone to rescue her from the crash instead of her desired painful death. Bridget would die of withdrawal after discovering the island is dry of alcohol and a smoke free environment. And really I don't think I even need to mention Dietz's curls in the heat. But honestly my friends and I don't exactly have the lifestyles of the rich and famous, so maybe a plane crash wouldn't be too bad. What do you guys think?

My fate sucks I guess...

good will hunting

Best. Movie. Of. All. Time. Of the things I really enjoy in life, one of them to to spread the word of a good movie. I am very passionate about this because when something makes me happy or impacts me I want to make sure everyone has that same opportunity. This movie fucking rocks. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck not only star in this movie, but also won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Some people might not think Ben is the best actor, but you've gotta give him props for this. Theres some great speeches and great one liners that really make this movie. And of course, every girl wants to save the guy from his dark past. Too bad not even a boy with a dark past will talk to me and give me the chance. I'm a big fan or Matt Damon and Robin Williams, which makes their bond in this movie even more touching. The only downfall of this movie is casting Minnie Driver as the lead woman. What the fuck were they smoking when they cast her? She has the voice of a tranny and looks like she could be Matt Damon's mom. He's far too sexy for that. Stellan Skarsgard is pretty annoying too, but all is forgiven knowing he produced such a sexy son, mostly known as Eric Northman from True Blood. I really think this is a movie everyone will enjoy, thats if you haven't already had the pleasure of seeing it. It's funny, sad, and totally unique. It received Oscar nominations for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, and a few others you could probably give two shits about. Either way it looks like I wasn't the only one that enjoyed it. Too bad Titanic wasn't a year later. Robbed them blind.

How do you like them apples?

troubleshooting

Well, after several attempts to bring ifwasebert back to life, I failed. It seems it has been compromised. Probably because I am so very popular some little snakes have attacked my blog diverting it to other websites and ads when attempting to read it. So, nobody likes to deal with that crap so I've decided to just import my old blog into a new one. Don't worry this blog is still an ode to Ebert, but I will use his first name instead, that being Roger. I hope this blog works out better than the last one, for all my loyal followers. Maybe my fan base will even expand this time! Since I'm honestly too hungover to move and incredibly bored I will probably post again tonight, possibly while I'm watching the highly anticipated Lifetime original Who is Clark Rockefeller! Happy reading my little freaks.

What a cool dude.

oscar talk

Sunday is the big day. The day I wait for all year. The Oscars! So I figured I would lay out some of my predictions. The movies and actors I think will win and who I think should win. Two VERY different things. I understand that the awards are a few days away, but frankly I'm going to be drunk all day on saturday, so why not get this going. This year is much different than usual, mainly because there will be 10 best picture nominations versus the 5 there usually is. I think this is a good thing because more movies have a chance to be honored, yet a bad thing because honestly some of the movies just don't deserve it. It in a way makes the other nominees not as special or honored. So here's my take on some of the nominations. If you are in my Oscar pool, stop reading immediately because you'll probably just steal my predictions and end up winning the cash prize because something like that would happen to me...

BEST PICTURE
Avatar
The Blindside
An Education
The Hurt Locker: Will Win
Up
Inglorious Basterds
Precious
District 9
A Serious Man
Up in the Air: Should Win

This is a very tough category this year. What is the deal with The Hurt Locker? Critics loved it, which honestly I don't understand. I just thought it didn't really have a story. Up in the Air was a front runner for awhile, but kind of dwindled recently. The subject matter is very relevant and shows a really different view on the corporate world. I loved it. Avatar not only broke every record possible, but it was the most advanced movie ever made. Critics problem with it is that it may be technologically advanced, but its story lacks. The Blindside as a nomination is completely ridiculous. Yeah it was a tearjerker that people enjoyed, but far from the best picture of the year. Precious was overrated to me. I think the subject matter is just something that is different and supposed to shock people. I could care less. I loved Inglorious Basterds and District 9. They are both original and great in their own way. I think both are much better than The Hurt Locker, but I guess thats why I'm not an actual critic.

BEST DIRECTOR
Kathryn Bigelow "The Hurt Locker": Will Win
James Cameron "Avatar": Should Win
Lee Daniels "Precious"
Jason Reitman "Up in the Air"
Quentin Tarantino "Inglorious Basterds"

An interesting category too. The front runners Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron used to be married. So much sexual tension in the Kodak theatre. Again Kathryn will win which I think is outrageous considering the years, time, and amazing advances it took to make Avatar. But who knows, maybe James Cameron will be King of the World yet again!

BEST ACTOR
Jeff Bridges "Crazy Heart": Will Win
George Clooney "Up in the Air"
Colin Firth "A Single Man"
Morgan Freeman "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner "The Hurt Locker"

I am embarrassed to say this, but I have not seen "Crazy Heart" or "A Single Man." I have tried, but failed. From clips and interviews, I hear Colin Firth does amazing in this movie. It is very demanding subject matter and I would really like to see him come out with an Oscar. Jeremy Renner is very easy on the eyes so I would be happy with him too. Actually I don't really care who wins. I'll go with the real critics on this one and give it to Jeff Bridges.

BEST ACTRESS
Meryl Streep "Julie and Julia"
Sandra Bullock "The Blindside": Will Win
Carey Mulligan "An Education"
Helen Mirren "The Last Station"
Gabourey Sidibe "Precious"

I am yet again embarrassed that I have not seen "The Last Station" or "An Education." These little movies are such a bitch because they only play them at certain theaters. It's hard for me to get to them. Either way Sandra Bullock will most likely win. Do I love Sandra? YES. Do I think she should win? No. I just don't think this movie is good enough to be here. Sandra did the best of her career, but I don't think its good enough. I hear Carey Mulligan is phemon, but I haven't seen it. But I mean she's dating Shia LaBeouf so I don't feel that bad if she loses. She's already got the man and the career. Two things I definitely don't.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Matt Damon "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson "The Messanger"
Christopher Plummer "The Last Station"
Stanley Tucci "The Lovely Bones"
Christoph Waltz "Inglorious Basterds" Will Win/Should Win

I love Matt Damon, but his role didn't do it for me. I have not seen "The Messenger" but I hear its great and pretty intense subject matter so I'd like to see Woody in it. Who doesn't love a little Woody? Stanley Tucci was great in "The Lovely Bones." He's great in everything, so I think he really deserves this nomination along with a punch in the face for giving me nightmares. The winner will be and should be Christoph Waltz for "Inglorious Basterds." Great movie and great performance.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Vera Farmiga "Up in the Air"
Penelope Cruz "Nine"
Anna Kendrick "Up in the Air"
M'onique "Precious": Will Win/Should Win
Maggie Gyllenhaal "Crazy Heart"

Although I am far from a fan of the loud mouthed, hairy legged M'onique, this is well-deserved. She is quite disturbing and shocking in this performance. Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga were also very good.

Best Animated Feature Film will undoubtedly go to "Up." Best Original Screenplay will be a toss up between "The Hurt Locker" and "Inglorious Basterds." I'm crossing my fingers for "Basterds." Best Adapted Screenplay will most likely go to "Up in the Air," but I'm hoping for "District 9," one of my favorite movies of the year!

The rest of the categories I either don't give a shit about or don't care to discuss right now. I hope you enjoyed what I think...since I am brilliant! Good luck with your pools! If you want to join ours, there's still time! See you on the red carpet!

Do you think this tagline is at every bar me and my friends have walked into?

law abiding citizen

So, when Law Abiding Citizen came out in theaters I heard basically only bad reviews. Although Jamie Foxx is a great actor and Gerard Butler is, well at least eye candy, it still wasn't doing it for the critics. Yet recently, when it came out on DVD I kept hearing such good things from people my age. Facebook statuses and word of mouth were raving about how awesome this movie was. So, naturally when I received my monthly free redbox rental, I used it on Law Abiding Citizen. Yes, I actually receive redbox texts and emails for a free rental that costs $1. Times are rough guys... My conclusion is pretty much a mix. This movie is very intense, starting in the first minute. Did I enjoy it? Yes. It is an amazing movie? No. The plot is very different than an other movie I have seen. The trailer portrays Gerard Butler as an evil man with absolutely no morals. When you watch the movie you see him a quite different. More a broken man trying to follow his misguided morals. Without ruining the movie for those who haven't seen it, something very disturbing and horrible happened in his past resulting in this need for vengeance. Although he is an absolute psycho, you find yourself sympathizing with him. It reminded me of how one of my friends said that if her husband ever cheated on her she would murder him. I won't reveal her name so any men reading won't go running for the hills, but I think you could probably guess. Still psychotic of course, but a little sympathy there. A little. The movie definitely keeps you watching and wondering what the end result will be. I would recommend it for a rental for the ladies and gents. Maybe even a date night. Too bad no one reading this blog will be asked out on a date anytime soon. Also I feel I need to point out the absurdity of a part of the movie. I'm just gonna say what it is because it adds absolutely nothing to the plot and I'm not really giving anything away. When Gerard is arrested, which obviously you know since the trailer shows him in jail, he deems it necessary to just take all his clothes off and get arrested in the nude. Like, I'm not complaining or anything since I don't even remember what a man looks like topless, but is it really necessary? Absolutely not. So weird. Anyways, I'd say give Law Abiding Citizen a try. Don't expect to see a great crime thriller, but it will definitely keep you entertained!

Also this is totally off subject, but me and my dad were just watching Giuliana and Bill. He is such a fox. Where are the rest of the men like this is Chicago?

If for no other reason ladies, maybe this is a reason to see it

johnny and tim

It you think this post is going to be anything about our tall Greek friend Johnny, you're wrong. Other Johnny. The better one. Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are two of my favorite people in Hollywood. And they are bffl. When Tim starts a new movie, its become pretty standard that Johnny will star and his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, also might co-star. Tim Burton has become pretty famous for his dark, making it somewhat comical, view of a situation. It kind of like looking at the world through Katy's eyes. Although I am huge Tim fan, I noticed that many of my friends haven't seen some of his greatest movies. So, I wanted to talk about some of the most notable ones that you should take some time out to watch. Edward Scissorhands is one of my favorite movies of all time. The movie follows a "man" created with scissors as hands who lives in an abandoned manor. He is taken in to a neighborhood by a naive sweet woman. Somehow this ridiculous plot makes me cry my eyes out every time. Definitely take note to the pastel rows of houses and pretty sweet looking neighborhood. The next movie is a great one I'm sure many have seen. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! I absolutely love this movie! After years and years it never gets old. Winona Ryder stars in both these movies, yet in this one she discovers a fantasy world of the dead. Its completely weird, unrealistic, and great. I'm pretty sure the dead on the "other side" look something like I do after a rough weekend in Milwaukee. Lastly, my absolute favorite Tim Burton movie Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Although Johnny was nominated for an Oscar and won the Globe for his role as Sweeney, I don't think a lot of people really acknowledged the movie as much as it should have been. Yes, the subject matter is a little different and some may think a little frightening, but its a movie I recommend you give a chance! The movie is based on both a movie and stage musical. Apparently when Tim asked Johnny to come aboard for the film he had never even heard Johnny sing a tune, but he just knew. Like when guys see me, they just know I'm the woman from their dreams... Anyways, Johnny can definitely sing! Sweeney Todd is a barber that seeks revenge on the man that mistreated him in his past, resulting in furious rage causing him to kill all men that enter his barber shop with a quick slit of the throat...oh yeah and then use they're bodies to make meat pies. Obviously. The entire movie is shown through black and white tones and dark scenery. Until the blood! The blood is the most vibrant of all reds, making it that much cooler and farfetched. Also, as I have mentioned, the movie is a musical! All the actors in the movie are great really great singers. And for you Harry Potter fans, we have a few alums carrying a tune, Snape, Bellatrix, and Peter Pettigrew. Even though the songs generally talk about eating human pies and murdering innocents, they are quite catchy. The CD is actually in my car right now. I wonder if people think I'm a freak when they see me at a stop light singing "They alllllll deserve to die!" Its honestly an awesome movie and I hope you all get a chance to try it out. I think you will be presently surprised! Cannot wait till Alice in Wonderland!!!

Tim movie I didn't really like: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Other great Tim movies: James and the Giant Peach, Batman, Batman Returns, The Nightmare Before Christmas
Other Tim movies I still need to see: 9, Corpse Bride

Is that Edward Scissorhands or Dietz?

modern family

100% one of the best new shows of the season. Absolutely hilarious in every way. For anyone who doesn't watch this show I recommend you start right now. It really depicts how much the American family has changed in the past few decades. We have the openly gay couple, with the hilariously flamboyant Cameron. The older man, formerly known as Ted Bundy, with his extremely hot younger wife, Gloria. The dad, Phil, who tries to be cool and hip with his daughter and her boyfriend, calling him nicknames like D Money. Phil is the perfect man for me. I would do anything to meet a man who is exactly like him, or just to actually marry Ty Burrell would be just fine with me too. He is such a nerd and his humor is so awful that its absolutely perfect. I'm pretty sure he would throw Lord of the Rings viewing parties and think its actually cool. Another great character on the show is Gloria's son Manny. He is so adorable and so funny for his age. I'm pretty sure Manny is just a spanish version of BD. The suave young kid looking for love and offering advice to older women. For sure BD. Do you think he will try to woo women with bottles of wine and conversation like BD too? The other character that you need to watch for is Cameron. Cameron is married to his male partner and now has an adopted daughter. He really has no idea what social norms are and plays dress up with his daughter for every holiday, even making her black for MLK Day. I think my friend Johnny is gonna be just like him once I birth John Jr. I'll go off to work my 9-5 while he teaches our daughter how to make his next flannel jacket.

Click this link to watch a little preview of my main man: Phil
Below is Phil, Cameron, and Manny.

spring preview

As spring approaches, so do a lot of great flicks in the coming months. So I put together a little list of the movies I want to see, have some potential, or flat out want to avoid. So check out the list so you know which movies I will be attempting to drag you to...

Must See
Alice in Wonderland: March 5th. This is obviously going to be amazing. Tim Burton is one of my favorite directors. Johnny Depp is my favorite actor. 3D. What can go wrong.
Green Zone: March 12th. Matt Damon back to his Bourne days as an U.S. Army officer investigating what looks to be a possible conspiracy overseas. He's beautiful so I can only imagine how much better he will look in Army fatigues.
Remember Me: March 12th. Two words. Rob Pattinson. After being arrested he attempts to piss off the arresting officer by seducing his daughter. This seems to lead him to discover himself and, as in every romantic movie, fall for the girl. Not only do I love Rob and Emile De Ravin (Claire from Lost), but the movie actually looks pretty good.
Clash of the Titans: March 26th. A remake of the original Clash of the Titans about Zeus' mortal son attempting to stop evil in the underworld. Sam Worthington (Terminator Salvation and Avatar) plays Perseus in a skirt. Why wouldn't you see this movie solely for that reason. Liam Neeson, who is on my list as the 3rd man I would want to be my dad if I didn't already have one that is the bomb, and Ralph Fiennes, Lord Voldemort, are also starring. If you are many of my girl friends who don't enjoy this fantasy stuff, you probably should steer clear.

Movies with Potential
The Crazies: February 26th. I'm a big fan of Timothy Olyphant, who will be starring in his own FX series Justified. Although I'm scared of my own shadow, I have a feeling this movie is actually going to be pretty good. It's kind of like Zombieland minus the ridiculousness and humor. I'm interested to see the reviews and ratings. And why everyone has gone crazy...
The Runways: March 19. A retelling of Joan Jett and her band. I don't think I will ever see this movie until it hits DVD, but I mainly just wanted to talk about it so I had a chance to explain my hatred for Kristen Stewert. She sucks. Like really sucks. She is not a good actress, but for some reason keeps being casted in these indies. So, I guess she makes out with Dakota Fanning. Big Deal. I wish she would just smile for once in her life. And I don't think everyone in this world needs to be tan but I can see through her. Like please stop trying to act like you don't care about your appearance and your stardom. And if I hear you use the word "self-deprecate" in an interview one more time I'm flying to LA to kick your ass. You're 19, stop acting 35.

How did someone allow this movie to be made?
Cop Out: February 26th. Tracey Morgan could not be more annoying in the trailer. Bruce Willis can do much better. This movie looks more like a spoof to Die Hard.
The Bounty Hunter: I don't care when it come out because it looks so awful. Gerard Butler plays a bounty hunter coming to collect from his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. I think both of these actors are good enough to play better roles, yet then sign on to play the worst roles to make a quick buck. Let me guess, after running form some ridiculous obstacle the two fall in love again. Vomit.

Theres also a few Nicolas Cage movies coming out which I refuse to mention in hopes that he moves to a deserted island and I never have to see or hear about him again. Sorry Sammy :)

What is with Americas thrill for this thing? A shower or a smile couldn't hurt.

bauer

Mondays at 8pm the world stops. It's Bauer time. Now some of you may watch 24, some not, but I urge you to join in on our savior Jack Bauer as he yet again stops a nuclear bomb, prevents the spreading of a virus, or simply beats ass. I was not a fan until a few months ago after my brother and sisters repeated attempts to take me to the other side. There were two reasons I didn't want to join the obsession. 1: I thought this would be cheating on my favorite spy of all time, Sydney Bristow. If you don't know who Sydney Bristow is, that would mean you are not my friend, and you should stop reading this blog immediately. 2: 24 was about to enter its 8th season and I figured why start now. Boy was I wrong! After continued badgering I said why not, I'll try out season one and see what I think. One of the best television decisions of my life! Yes Matt and Michelle, you can quote me on that one. I surrender. Suddenly I found myself jobless, in a dark bedroom, completing 7 seasons and the 2 hour 24 movie in 3 weeks. Sick? Maybe.  Impressive? You betcha. Now every Monday at 8pm, my brother, my sister, and I huddle around our basement TV to watch one hour of knife flinging, brutal torturing, and attempted terrorism. Following last weeks episode, my friend Caryn, a fellow Bauer enthusiast, and I were discussing that latest episode of 24. We started talking about "what if one of our friends was like Jack Bauer and nobody ever knew it?" So we started with our most ridiculous friends, BD the suave banker, Corn the boy who thinks he is a raptor when intoxicated, Sammy who calls people names like "babies" and "my little sweeties," or Dan who knows more words to the High School Musical soundtrack then most 12 year-old girls. Although great friends, I don't really imagine them diffusing bombs and saving America on a daily basis. But who am I to judge? So I ask you to think about your friends who seem like they just don't belong in the spy world? Yes this conversation makes no sense since none us are or ever will be spies, but still pretty funny to think about. What if when your friend was "going to work," "babysitting," "going to class," or "blacked out," they were really saving the country for our fellow Americans? Keifer Sutherland plays a great Jack Bauer, yet he has his alcoholic troubles of his own...

Would you really think Jack Bauer would be one of the greatest spies of all time if you saw him like this?

shutter island

Wow. I think there are gonna be plenty of soiled seats in that movie theatre. Leo and Marty never cease to amaze me. Dennis Lehane has yet again created an amazing story, with an ending no one could possibly guess. Well, I take that back, I guessed a large part of it, but thats just because I'm a genius. If you are the one person in American that doesn't know what this movie is about, Bailey, it follows two police officers who are investigating a missing person at a mental institution on a secluded island. This island houses the criminally insane and most violent ones of them all. Sounds like Murphy's Irish Pub around 2am on a Friday night... I wonder if Kit assaulting her best friend at a bar or me slapping the shit out of a certain boy who looks like a cross between a rat and a q-tip counts as criminally insane? Are McG's actions on her 21st birthday something worthy of a bed on Shutter Island? Something to mull over. Anyways, Leo had a great performance, continuing to make himself one of the best actors of our time. I hope they remember this come Oscars 2011. This is a movie that everyone NEEDS to see. Its creepy, smart, and twisted, with a great set and cast. Surprisingly Michelle Williams did pretty good and creeped the shit out of me. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight.

For you consideration:
Another Marty/Leo movie: The Departed, The Aviator, Gangs of New York (word of a future flick together called Sinatra)
Another Dennis Lehane based movie: Gone Baby Gone, Mystic River

Right now I'm in the process of reading a Dennis Lehane novel called "Prayers for Rain." I'm liking it so far, I'll keep you posted.

valentines day

More like Armageddon. What to say about this movie. It was probably one of the biggest disappointments of the year, especially coming from director Gary Marshall, who also made classics like Pretty Woman and Laverne and Shirley. There were way too many characters in this movie that we didn't even get a chance to give a shit about with happens to them. The movie only made million because Bradley Coopers pretty face was all over the trailers. Apparently Julia Roberts was in the movie a total of 6 minutes and she made 3 million for it. Thats so bogus. Also taylor Swift may be able to sing, but her acting skills are about as believable as me being black. Jessica Biel's character on the other hand reminded me of a certain friend I know well, Miss Kathryn Wolff. She spends her life hating the idea of Valentine's Day and everything that encompasses it. Sort of like Katy chugging beers and toasting to the end of the world in 2 short years, or for her 2 very long years. The only saving grace in this movie was, of course, my girl Jennifer Garner. What I wouldn't do to be her. She's just perfect. This movie was a wannabe "He's Just Not That Into You," yet completely missed the target. Spending ten minutes per storyline doesn't get the point across. Yet, somehow they have already green lit a sequel called New Years Eve, which will still make millions from girls wishing for love or need an excuse to live through the characters to pretend they have love. Hopefully the movie will premiere in 2013 so we won't be on this earth to get a chance to see it.

How much surgery do you think I need to look like her? Heidi Montag style?

jack dawson

"When I take nicotine patches I have blood curdling nightmares of murder. Mass murders. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to take them off. I don't really remember my dreams that much apart from then. I don't know what that means about me from a psychological point of view but that's the truth."

- Leonardo DiCaprio, on trying to give up smoking

Kit maybe you should start taking nicotine patches, that way maybe you can take your anger out in your dreams instead of praying for 2012 every night.

wolfman

So I went on a date to see The Wolfman last night. By date I mean my dad bought us two tickets, I smuggled in pretzels, and we pinned down my sister after the show asking if she's been bitten by the beast. So the movie wasn't getting the best reviews, but either way, I was dying to see it. Overall I'd give the movie about 2 1/2 stars, not bad. Now, I don't think this is a movie that I would recommend to everyone, my friend Mary would probably enjoy the teletubbies more than this, but I enjoyed it. Maybe part of the reason is because Benicio Del Toro was in it. I mean I could probably watch him tie his shoes for 2 hours, find a way to enjoy it and dream of jumping his bones. It must be that exotic foreign charm. Back to the actual movie, the Talbot mansion was awesome. The movie was set in 1891 and everything really fit the era. I loved the darkness and the candlelight throughout the movie. Also, the man to wolf transformation was great. Although the actual wolfman himself didn't look exceptionally real, the transformation was really cool to watch. I felt like I was watching some of my friends on a night out (Julie, Bridget, and Corn, especially Corn). From man to wolf in 10 rum and cokes.

Would you even care if he bit you?